Because I don't want to sleep with you
by Aviatorman
Summary: Hawkeye (Clint Barton) lists off his many sexual partners to Hawkeye (Kate Bishop). When one item comes up on the list, things quickly get out of hand.


_A.N.: This is another thing I wrote for something on Tumblr. What happened was that I read this post: (copperbadge tumblr com/post/56645074879/wanda-is-universally-poorly-t reated) and then, because I've been following the new Hawkeye comic, wrote a story about Clint Barton getting shit for having sex with a robot. _

_I do not, nor will I ever own any characters that show up in this fic._

* * *

"So who do you want to sleep with?"

They were in Clint's apartment, Clint's _building_ really, practicing like always. Kate's question tore Clint's concentration for those crucial seconds as his hand let go.

"Say what?" He began almost at the same time as an arrow went right through his coffee machine. "Aw, coffee, no!"

Kate followed her sometimes mentor over to the kitchen area of his abode and watched amused as he tried to mop up coffee puddles with his junk mail. "You told me a while ago that you wanted me to be your partner because you didn't want to sleep with me. So, again, who _do_ you want to sleep with?"

Clint looked up at her. The sight was surprisingly adorable as he'd somehow managed to get a smudge of coffee grounds across his nose and forehead. "Do I have to answer this?"

"Yes."

He sighed and threw the sodden mess of coupons, fliers, and a few errant utility bills into the garbage. "Uh well… there's Natasha."

Kate pouted, folding her arms across her chest. "Like I didn't already know that. If you're not going to take this seriously…"

Suddenly Clint went into damage control mode; hands up with palms out, shaking head, and continuous repetitions of 'no'. "Look, it's a list. I've got to start _somewhere_." Kate huffed but remained silent.

He nodded. "Alright then. So, as I was saying; there's Natasha, and Bobbi, Jess, uh… Penny, Janet," at this point, Clint is counting on his fingers, "Carol, Jen-"

Kate's head shoots up. "Jen? _Jennifer Walters?_ She-Hulk?"

"Yeah, so?" Clint defends. "I'm not dead…. anymore."

She shakes her head. "Whatever, you have a death wish. Continue."

"Where was I? … Right, Jen. Jen, Susan, Wanda-"

Kate's hand goes up. "Stop." He does. "You're just going to list off every woman in the cape business, aren't you." Clint shrugs. "Alright, let's try a different question; how many have you _actually_ slept with?"

Clint is thoughtful for a moment. As he rubs his chin, Kate notices that he is smudging his face with his coffee stained hands.

"Well. Natasha, first. Then there was Bobbi for a long time. Jess. Penny…. let's forget Penny." They all agree to forget Penny, even Lucky who has been lounging by the window and not paying attention. "Um… there was that time with Jen at a Christmas party and we had too much of Tony's _special_ eggnog. Wanda when I stumbled across her in Latveria, but she turned out to be a Doombot. I'd rather not talk about Carol to you…. Um, I _think _that I had a night with Emma, but it's fuzzy…. Patsy…."

"Woah woah woah. Back up. _You _had _sex_ with a _DOOMBOT?"_

__Clint snapped out of his self-congratulatory reverie. "Hey," he shouts indignantly. "I thought it _was_ Wanda at the time. If I'd known it was a robot-"

"So have you been secretly humping Vision when no one's looking?" Kate laughs. "Maybe pay Tony to look the other way while you hump the suit for half an hour?"

Clint frowns disapprovingly, an expression spoiled by the brown fingerprints all across his face. "That's it, no more story time."

"Awww, but I'm not tired yet, daddy!"

Clint just shakes his head.

"Alright, fine. I'll leave. But don't forget to wash off your warpaint, Chief."

Clint's eyebrows raise in befuddlement and Kate's finger circles her entire face and then motions towards a mirror.

As she leaves, she hears Clint's lament of "Aw, face, no!"

**Later, on the SHIELD Helicarrier**

****"So….," Fury begins.

Clint is bewildered. He hasn't accidentally destroyed any property so far today and he hasn't had a chance to piss off New York's underworld in a few days. "So?"

Fury grins deviously. "What's it like to be a Robo-sexual?"

Clint's eyes widen in shock and anger. "That girl is _dead _when I get my hands on her!"

As he rushes away, Fury calls after him. "So is that something _else_ I should add to your file's list of known kinks?"

A week later, Clint begins receiving a subscription for Robot magazine in brown Stark Industries recycled paper envelopes.

The day after that, a package full of Battle Bots publicity photos comes in the mail complete with a note in suspiciously familiar handwriting that says 'Thinking of you, P".

Logan doesn't say anything, for which Clint is eternally grateful. What he _isn't_ grateful for are the sidelong looks from the man.

Bobbi makes an icy comment about Stepford Wives during a briefing and Natasha confides her wish that Bucky had been _fully _cybernetic with a twinkle in her eye.

But that all pales in comparison to the day that Wanda Maximoff, the Scarlet Witch herself, shows up at his door with a deactivated Doombot. "I know it doesn't look the same," she said. "But it's the same where it counts."


End file.
